Saturday, August 06, 2005

Do As Thou Wilt....As Long as it Doesn't Fuck Up Your Kids

I have yet to procreate, I admittedly have no maternal instinct, and children downright frighten me --- but that's right, I'm going to sit here and tell you how much you suck at being a mother.

I'm at the gas station the other day and in waddles a mom and her two lil' waddlings. They begin raiding the Krispy Kreme donut case and I hear Mom say "only 3 a piece kids". One of them whines about being hungry to which Mom responds, "well we're going to McDonald's after this". Ok...wtf lady? I really have nothing against you being a good 150lbs OVERweight, nor do I have anything against fatness in general. Your children though...they look about 5-8 years old and they are already morbidly obese and you continue to feed them a diet of sugar and grease. Why don't you just serve them an antifreeze slushie while you're at it? Or perhaps give them some loaded firearms and send them off to play "shoot the fuck out of eachother"? That would be far less cruel than setting them up for a miserable life of disease, alienation, and low self-esteem.

I'm driving home from work the same day and there's this grocery getter in front of me filled with an army of toddlers. These kids are going wild and bouncing all over the inside of the car. One swift brake and there's definitely going to be some baby skull smashed all over your windshield. I go to pass and there's mom (or some matronly like figure) sitting there with the windows rolled up and smoking a cigarette. Dammit put the smoke out and buckle those monsters up. The icing on the cake here is the "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart" bumper sticker. You know what? I'm pretty sure a stiff steering column through the chest has the same effect.

Next day, I'm in Target buying some shampoo. This loud and obnoxious yuppie wench is there with her teenage son, presumably buying back to school crap. The store is packed in general, but there are lots of cute high school girls around shopping for cosmetics and soaps and whatever, when said wench turns to her kid and barks, "OK mister, now what are we going to do about those zits of yours?" She then proceeds to go into some litany about the difference between Stridex and Clearisil and how she just doesn't think that they're going to "cut the muster". This poor kid obviously looks mortified and wench continues to harass him about his choice of anti-acne products. OMFG woman....are you completely oblivious to the fact that you're making your kid feel like a colossal loser? No, not because you're calling attention to his pubescent complexion, no, simply because people are beginning to realize how pooched his genetics must be if he came out of you. And son, don't just sit there and take that - smack that bitch up! You are A LOT bigger than her so it should be easy, and no one's gonna hold it against ya -- hell, we'll cheer you on.

As the title of this post suggests...do as thou wilt -- eat yourself into oblivion, carve pretty pictures into your thighs with rusty razors, shoot narcotics into your eyeballs, I really could care less what you choose to do with your life and no one has the right to dictate how another should live. Although, if you insist on squeezing a little meat bag out - you give up the rights to your own life. You are now responsible for another and it's your duty to ensure they are safe, secure and have an upbringing that grants them the tools they will need to succeed at functioning as a person in their adult life. I have to deal with the products of poor parenting such as yours on a daily basis and it's really starting to PISS ME OFF.

1 Comments:

Anonymous RA said...

The icing on the cake here is the "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart" bumper sticker. You know what? I'm pretty sure a stiff steering column through the chest has the same effect.

priceless!!

Mon Aug 08, 02:02:00 PM 2005  

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